It's my nineteenth birthday and yes, if you may ask it feels fine and dandy. I figured I'm in that crucial age where it's still alright to completely fuck up any possible chance of me to ever have a future but also to prepare myself of becoming an old-intollerant-over-emotional-and-quite-obsessive-pompous-twenty-year-old-hag. My age isn't quite the dilemma yet. Enough said.
The cakes were delicious (of course I needed to have two) and the company was a delight. (I sound old already.) The nights spent out (notice how it's plural) to celebrate were intense. But none of that will be mentioned on the public inter web. The 30th I'll be heading home to help prepare what will become an epic new years and a legendary beginning to 2013. I feel as if this is starting to become too much of a diary already and that needs to change. Mjeh. So on a random note, click here and you'll be taken to something quite cool that had me on repeat for atleast 3 minutes.
Arrived in heaps of snow at my grandparents casa and the christmas festivities have begun. With my birthday a few short days away and good food inbetween, traditions don't go short in my family. Tonight I'm preparing myself to storm Stockholm's nightlife and hit it up once more on the 27th. Oh, how I love the holidays.
According to the Mayan calandar, tomorrow is the day where we all die. If that be the case, I've done a lot of unnecessary packing. As a matter of fact, I've almost packed my entire closet for a weeks trip. Who knows, if the world goes under I'll have plenty of options in which garments to decease in. Alright, apart from my sadistic humor, I'll jump all the wishy washy nonsense I usually forget to filter out and get to the point: Christmas is that one cliché and overdone moment of the year where it's socially accepted to be extremely appreciative and affectionate, so I wish you a happy holiday! I love all of you who enjoy reading what I write. You have no idea how much that means to me.
I showed my mom how I have redesigned the icons on my desktop using a nifty app feeling pretty reinvented and proud of myself. She just laughed at me and said: "Louise, you're a nerd." If only she saw how much reinventing I spent on this blog. I'm a perfectionist, okay? Jesus I'm just gonna go reclean my room..
The extent of my productivity for the day is at an abyss. If I could find a book in my house in which I haven't already read I'll be jumping over hedges to do so. All the snow in our small little town is gone. I'm staring at my piano building up a sizable amount of anguish for not having played for so long but not enough to actually do so. Regardless of all above and that beyond yonder a little someone is always curled up beside me.
As soon as we are alone, inner chaos opens up in us. This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again. Entering a private room and shutting the door, therefore, does not mean that we immediately shut out all our inner doubts, anxieties, fears, bad memories, unresolved conflicts, angry feelings and impulsive desires. On the contrary, when we have removed our outer distraction, we often find that our inner distraction manifest themselves to us in full force. We often use the outer distractions to shield ourselves from the interior noises. This makes the discipline of solitude all the more important.
I'm not going to sit here and write about what I wore yesterday, what food I'm eating for dinner, or what books I like to read. I want to depict and deconstruct what I find most essential; my happiness. I have found myself to have such a sentimental heart and that makes it hard for me to be completely happy. Even the most beautiful things in life such as music, love, poetry, literature, and film can make me feel sad. Especially music. Some songs just open me up and rip me apart. Sometimes that beauty is too much for me to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone says something or writes something or plays something that moves you to the point of tears, maybe even changes you? And it’s so frustrating, cause it’s always the little things that get to me and mess my insides all up. Like sitting on a crowded bus and feeling the person next to me breathe or seeing two strangers smile at each other. And I’m always affected by other people’s problems. I feel sad for everyone. My heart is never free from melancholy.
I also feel like I’m constantly waiting, waiting for something to happen or for someone to take my life over and make it worth living. All I do is stare out of windows or dream and stay inside my head, but I rarely go out there to make things happen. Sometimes I do try to do more than just exist, but it never really works out. I’m always struggling to live and surviving instead of really living. I always forget that this is my life and that there are things within my control and that I can be whoever I want to be. All these things make my heart heavy and hard to carry. I don’t know, I guess I just feel way too much. I’m a bit overwhelmed by life.
Along all the christmas spirit, fresh white snow, and pale pretty faces, December seems a little brighter this year. Keep the ones you love close and throw buckets of snow at the rest. Nothing but chill DnB hitting up my earbuds this time of year, check it.
The body is a complexly beautiful, natural form of expression for our souls, for our consciousness. And the over-sexualization of our bodies that the media glamorizes, influences the masses to associate our bodies with superficial or unhealthy ideals - narcissism, arrogance, shame, insecurities, etc. It takes us away from nature, away from each other, away from who we really are. The human anatomy is something to celebrate and used in ways that nourish ourselves, not that make us feel ashamed. Being fit would come naturally in a world that hasn’t been over-industrialized. We would be outside, exploring for hours, climbing all over shit, hiking, swimming in fresh lakes, jumping off cliffs into water, white water rafting, skiing, snowboarding, etc., etc., etc.. And those are also activities that are exciting, spontaneous… good for the soul. Being fit would be normal, it wouldn’t be praised, and labeled as a form of discipline. That’s how far this commercialized world of business has taken people away from nature. (Model: Emelie Larsson)
After quite a stressful morning my mom has returned from the hospital. The operation went exceedingly well to say the least. Also, my dad has just notified us of his departure to NY city and asked us both for a list of things we want from the good ol' US of A. I need some time to brainstorm. Perhaps an iPad? Before he left he told me of a team-building exercise he underwent last week and gave me a pin in which reminded him of me (hence the charming little photo above). Quite cheesy I must say but inspiring nonetheless. "Happiness is being on the way". It isn't the destination of happiness but rather the journey.
On a random note, I appear on a really badass promo my brother created for "equipe" at 1:50. You can see the enthusiasm in my professional acting skills. Waddup?
