I want so much that is not here.
I'm not going to sit here and write about what I wore yesterday, what food I'm eating for dinner, or what books I like to read. I want to depict and deconstruct what I find most essential; my happiness. I have found myself to have such a sentimental heart and that makes it hard for me to be completely happy. Even the most beautiful things in life such as music, love, poetry, literature, and film can make me feel sad. Especially music. Some songs just open me up and rip me apart. Sometimes that beauty is too much for me to handle. Do you know that feeling? When something is just too beautiful? When someone says something or writes something or plays something that moves you to the point of tears, maybe even changes you? And it’s so frustrating, cause it’s always the little things that get to me and mess my insides all up. Like sitting on a crowded bus and feeling the person next to me breathe or seeing two strangers smile at each other. And I’m always affected by other people’s problems. I feel sad for everyone. My heart is never free from melancholy.

I also feel like I’m constantly waiting, waiting for something to happen or for someone to take my life over and make it worth living. All I do is stare out of windows or dream and stay inside my head, but I rarely go out there to make things happen. Sometimes I do try to do more than just exist, but it never really works out. I’m always struggling to live and surviving instead of really living. I always forget that this is my life and that there are things within my control and that I can be whoever I want to be. All these things make my heart heavy and hard to carry. I don’t know, I guess I just feel way too much. I’m a bit overwhelmed by life.


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